The Wall Street Job Report

Well, advertising dollars are not going to bring in the revenues Facebook hoped. But there must be some other way that Facebook can capitalize on its quajillions of users around the globe. Here’s a list of suggestions.

#10: Charge users $10 a month to get a notification every time an ex views their profile, including detailed usage statistics (which photos viewed, how much time spent on profile, etc.)

#9: Invest in a deserving but fledgling online dating service. Allow users to opt-in to the service as an app for a nominal fee. Each time they log in they will be able to view a profile selected for them of an attractive Facebook user from their geographical area based on complicated algorithms devised by Mark Zuckerberg’s trolls that he keeps in his sock drawer.

#8: Give a random Facebook user the chance to be Mark for a day. That person will make all of Mark’s business decisions for that day.

#7: Revert to the old-school Facebook format: require users to rate their friends as “hot or not.” Charge users to find out HOW HOT THEY ARE.

#6: Every time Facebook “redesigns,” “innovates,” or “revamps” their layout (ie, timeline, privacy settings change, etc) charge users to return the old style. Charge users $100 one time fee to get ride of timeline FOREVER.

#5: Create a high speed wireless cell phone network that organizes all your contacts by their Facebook profiles, taking Facebook chat to the next level. Now you can drunk text/call not only your phone contacts, but the random friends of friends and acquaintances you barely know.

#4: Charge users to create a fake but perfect job-seeker profile that will automatically overlay your real profile whenever a visitor checks you out from an office IP address instead of a home IP address. Profile will include harmless landscape photos, properly punctuated wall posts, and a link to an online copy of your resume.

#3: Create a way to automatically craft a sarcastic response every time someone posts a photo that they took of themselves with their cellphone in the mirror.
You get ten free responses a day since there are so many of those pictures.

#2: Charge major brands that have over 1 million likes on their Facebook pages. There are countless corporations that invest in employees who are only responsible for Facebook and Twitter marketing, and they run ad campaigns on Facebook. Why is having a Facebook business page free?

And the number one way that Facebook should monetize is…

Buy the video game software company that is devising a way for users to play videogames using only their mind-waves. Then, allow users to update statuses and interact with Facebook friends with no screen necessary. All of the advertisers who bailed will jump back in when they realize that Facebook is once again at the forefront of all that is unholy.

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Beth Connolly is Editor-in-Chief of the Wall Street Job Report and the Compliance Exchange. She blogs creatively at When Nutmeg Met Basil. Connect with her on LinkedIn , Twitter, and About.Me.

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