The Wall Street Job Report

1. Show up late for the scheduled appointment and don’t bother to call before you arrive. When you get there, don’t apologize to the interviewer for your lateness.

2. Touch your face frequently, especially your nose and mouth. Ideally, walk into the office with a runny nose, and blow it loudly while you wait in the reception area. When the interviewer emerges, quickly stash the tissue in your pocket, wipe your drizzling schnoz one last time with your fingers, and then extend the same hand in a warm (and wet) handshake to your interviewer.

3. Badmouth your current or former employer and superiors. Complain bitterly about the way they treat you; blame any performance issues you’ve had on them; and don’t hesitate to enthusiastically impugn their characters. With any luck, the hiring manager will visualize you trash talking him two years from now in another interview.

4. You should have a negative attitude about your current or past situation and make sure it affects all of your responses to the interviewers’ questions. If you’re looking for a job because you are unhappy with your firm, position, title, compensation, coworkers or lack of advancement, make that clear to the employer and be as critical as possible of your current situation (share anecotes of how awful your current workplace is.) Make your problem into his problems.

5. Put your smartphone on the table as soon as you sit down. If you get a phone call or a text while the interviewer is asking you a question, pick it up or text back immediately. Extra points if your ringtone is adapted from a Rihanna song.

6. Prior to the interview, do little to no research about the position and the company. A cursory glance at the company’s main web site is more than enough preparation time. When the interviewer asks you to speak about your understanding of the position and the company, just throw it back at him and give him the chance to tell you all about the job.

7. Never, ever let your weaknesses be visible to the interviewer, even if you have to blatantly lie and cover up past failures by tweaking the facts. Better that you appear to know too much and be an absolute expert than that your shortcomings are on display.

8. If the interviewer asks you a toughie, respond at first with a line like, “What a great question. You know, it’s so interesting, because…” and go ahead and answer a question he didn’t ask, or speak off the cuff about a non-related subject for several minutes, until he looks bored and distracted. Make claims about your performance without giving concrete examples.

9. Lethargy is key. Slump in the chair across from your interviewer, and check your watch frequently during the meeting. Yawn as often as possible, and answer questions with short sentences, expending as little effort as possible.

10. Lie about your current or former salary. Yes, of course the interviewer will check into it before hiring you. But you didn’t really want this job anyway…or did you?

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Editor’s Note: Adam Jameson is the newest edition to our writing team. He’ll be offering real advice to jobseekers drawn from his own recruiting experience. He also answers reader questions. Send all of your job search quandaries to Adam at adamjameson1984@gmail.com.

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